Hedonism is sometimes caricatured as a belief system entirely focused on the individual pursuit of pleasure and the avoidance of pain.
While some forms of hedonism might view pleasure and pain this simply, a practical hedonist would pursue pleasure and seek to avoid causing pain to others. Since pain is, in reality, unavoidable, the practical hedonist may instead seek to transmute their own pain into something positive and even pleasurable.
For many, S&M is a ritualized way of expressing, acknowledging, and exploring the possibility of transmuting pain into pleasure with boundaries to avoid causing traumatic pain to others. Some suggest that many S&M lovers also have some kind of trauma in their background, but that should not surprise us. The link between trauma and S&M is not a reason to pathologize this kind of sexual expression. Trauma survivors often become experts in the transmutation of pain, and S&M is a way in which some empower themselves to make sense of their painful experiences.
I challenge those who pathologize or object to sexual behaviors simply because they disapprove or find them distasteful to think about whether their objections stem from personal taste and conformity to arbitrary social norms or genuine concern about "mental health." Typically, in my experience, those quick to label certain sexual practices "sick" have little interest in actually addressing the traumas that they think "cause" this "mentally ill" behavior. For example, they are not nearly as concerned about conditions that make vulnerable people easy targets for abuse and exploitation as they are with pontificating about their allegedly superior moral codes. Nor are they interested in equipping vulnerable people with the tools to resist abuse and exploitation.
Labeling unconventional sexuality, "sick" seems like empty moralistic grandstanding, demanding conformity to some clearly unsustainable, deficient moral code--such as, "traditional family values," which has never actually protected people from abuse and dysfunction.
An emphasis on pleasure is important in a society where Abrahamic religions and patriarchy have created a lot of fear and shame complexes around pleasure. It is also important in a world where these fear and shame complexes have caused people to misunderstand pleasure. And you cannot master something you do not--or will not--understand.
Some people fear that hedonism will lead to moral chaos. Others may argue that, in truth, society makes pleasure too important. Isn't porn "addiction" an epidemic? Isn't hookup culture popular? Isn't obesity a problem? Aren't we a society that promotes instant gratification? Are we not constantly pursuing pleasure already?
I believe that the root of any problems in the pursuit of pleasure stem from a misconception of pleasure caused by society's most popular and influential moral models. First, we do not even take time to think about the importance of pleasure in-and-of-itself. We just "experience" pleasure without given any guidance about how to deal with it on its own terms. Then, we are coached to suppress and repress pleasure impulses as a way to deal with it. We are typically not told to explore and master it.
For most moral models, pleasure is something to be contained or controlled, not molded and shaped creatively. There are many complex reasons that we have pleasure problems--for example, consumerism and commodification play a role--but the main problem is that we cannot fully accept that the pursuit of pleasure is essential for life.
We grow up with deeply embedded and unexamined assumptions that see pleasure as something "base" and that tell us human wellbeing (or "flourishing") comes from transcending or overcoming these "base" urges. Most philosophical and spiritual systems (even New Age types) have this bias. A hedonist believes that it is better to be honest with what we are dealing with: we are embodied creatures and the pursuit of bodily pleasure is natural, essential, and good. It is better to integrate, mold, and channel it than suppress it. We do not want to "transcend" our humanity; we want to enjoy it.
As far as I am concerned, history has shown that the root of might-makes-right and abusive behavior is those people and institutions who believe that repression and suppression of pleasure is the way to manage and master it. And they use their repressive models and practices to control and abuse people. Shame about sex gives those who sexually abuse children and other vulnerable people a gift-wrapped weapon to silence their victims. Repression gives institutions who enforce moral codes (religious and secular) undeserved, unearned power over your inner life, regardless of whether their leaders practice what they preach. Deference to self-styled moral "authorities"--again, regardless of whether they practice what they preach--creates power disparities that allow abusers to get away with abuse. And repression of desires only causes those desires to be expressed in ways that will not lead to contentment and can deeply hurt others.
Some of the criticisms of hedonism relate to the definition of pleasure. How can we know what pleasure means? Doesn't pleasure mean one thing for one person and another thing for another person? Well, yes. Each person's path to ataraxia will be different.
While we always want to be on the lookout for biological determinism and mechanical models of the psyche, our knowledge of neurochemicals (dopamine, seratonin, oxytocin, endorphins) can give us a more concrete foundation through which to talk about what pleasure "is." But, again, we are not taught to explore in the interests of seeking harmony or homeostasis in our relationship with these "positive" neurochemicals.
Instead, we are either told to "control" (that is, "suppress") desire in the interests of unsustainable, dysfunctional social norms or we are taught that only certain (usually very limited, socially conforming) behaviors can bring about "real" contentment, flourishing, or inner peace. We are explicitly and deliberately denied the tools to become good "chemists" with our own internal chemistry.
This is a mistake. The hedonist believes that people need more room to explore and experiment with our Divinely-bestowed, internal chemistry set. So we push social boundaries because we need to challenge society's hedonophobia, which is rooted in a fear that those invested in social hierarchies have of losing "control" (that is, their power over--not with--people).
Because a practical hedonist respects personal boundaries, the word, "hedonophobia" is not a stick to beat people over the head with, as if they are unenlightened bigots ("You're just a hedonophobe!"). A hedonist might engage in psychological and spiritual self-defense to protect their own agency, sovereignty, and right to explore pleasure on their own terms. But people will escape internalized hedonophobia only through exploration, not coercion. Adopting a moralistic stance of any kind around hedonism will not show people a way out of hedenophobia,.